Discretion is a word that women do not fully understand. If I could pin the majority of problems of women is lack of discretion...in the way we speak, the way we dress, and the way we handle our day.
Discreet: marked by modesty and wise self-restraint; headful of potential consequences; knowing how to avoid distress.
I just thought discretion was going to be the cute title of my Bible study this week, not my life played out before me, ugly consequences and all.
The amount of scripture dedicated to this topic is too much to type, so rather I will share the application it has taken in my life.
For a few years, I was not allowed to be mad at a person in my life and I somehow always ended up apologizing for things I didn't even do wrong. Imagine someone slapping you in the face, and you fall to your knees and beg for forgiveness that your face wasn't closer for them to get better contact. Dumb, right? My discretion was out of whack to say the least. I didn't know how to stand up for myself.
Since that time, I have learned how to say "No", how to stand up for myself, and how to avoid being punched in the face. My downfall came when I took it to the opposite extreme, demanding the right to be upset or angry. I wanted someone to care enough that they had hurt my feelings and my heart.
Discretion guards over you, your mouth, and your actions when it is put into practice. (Prov. 2:11) It provides understanding in the situation...understanding of consequences and how to bring peace into a storm.
Let's just say, I wanted to be right more than I wanted to be "discreet". I was screaming for someone to care enough to notice my hurt and anger.
Note to self: that doesn't work. Those that love you and care about you will be genuinely concerned when they hurt you. Don't seek for it when it is not there!
I made a decision in my mind that I was going to stand my ground, when I should have let the subject go. I was going to prove my point, when I desperately needed to walk away and SHUT MY MOUTH.
After a very harsh 1.5 hours, the door was slammed in my face and little did I know how much my lack of discretion hurt, angered, and pushed away someone dear to me.
Everything the LORD commands of us is for our own good! Why in the world would He tell us to be "quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger"? Because "the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God." (James 1:19-20)
No one wants to be friends with someone who is not discreet. There is a time and place for honesty and there is a time and place to keep your mouth shut when your words are not needed and will most like cause damage.
Proverbs is very clear that discretion is self-control over your emotions. Emotions are not wrong until they take the driver seat of your life.
Hollywood has painted a picture to women that our emotions are what get us places, get us the Romeo, and that we have a right to say "whatever you please to feel better".
My mind goes back to a scene in The Notebook, where Alli and Noah are yelling and screaming at each other, desperately trying to prove their point that they "don't need or want each other". Hollywood paints the consequence as a very fruitful one as they jump into each other's arms and well...you know the rest.
One of the most well known sit-coms, FRIENDS, has a scene between Ross and Rachel that will go down in history. The words thrown at the other was meant to cut the other down, a total loss of control over emotions. The door is slammed and locked and the crying begins (from Rachel this time, not Ross surprisedly). That relationship is OVER (for the 5th time). Until...he comes back, she unlocks the door, and well...you know the rest.
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Never in my life have I seen this result of fighting and loss of self-control in real life. I have never known two friends to fight and yell and say "exactly how they feel" and then embrace in a closer than ever moment.
I don't believe the way to a happy relationship is one where you have the right to say whatever you want. God calls us to a standard of putting someone before yourself. The other person's heart is more valuable than you getting your point across.
I am not a physiologist, but in my experience in being a emotional girl, I have learned that we show a small percentage of emotions that we actually feel. In our daily interactions with other humans, especially other believers, we respond to the emotions we see. Little do we know that those emotions are the tip of the ice burg. The hurt we cause people does not surface until later.
Joy comes in discretion. While our emotions are running crazy and we ourselves our hurt, stop your words next time. Think about what they could potentially do to your friend, co-worker, neighbor, or loved one. Then multiple that hurt times ten, then you have the consequences for your discretion-less actions.
This week, I have felt the weight of those very consequences. "If ONLY" I had kept my mouth shut. Imagine the glory that would have brought to the very ONE who has showed the ultimate discretion with me. Next time you want to prove your point, think of how our Savior could have very easily proved the wrath that we bring upon ourselves. He chooses to love us, to forgive us, and to speak softly to us. He is "quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger." (James 1:19) ALL PRAISE TO THAT!
I awoke this morning to a very heavy heart, one of regret. Seeking forgiveness is the only action I can take. From my God and my friend. When you seek forgiveness, you are at the mercy of the other. You cannot speed the healing process up. You must be patient and show discretion on how to show your distance. David's cry to the LORD shows the regretfulness and mercy he seeks for his actions...
"O God, you know my folly; the wrongs I have done are not hidden from you. Let not those who hope in you be put to shame through me, O Lord God of hosts...
But as for me, my prayer is to you, O LORD. At an acceptable time, O God, in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness....
Answer me, O LORD, for your steadfast love is good; according to your abundant mercy, turn to me.
Draw near to my soul, REDEEM me."
(Psalm 69:13,15, 6-17)
Never again do I want someone who puts their HOPE in God, to be put to shame through me. May my actions never again rule over my spirit. My emotions will not take the driver seat to end up crashing a friendship or a even a chance to simply show the discretion GOD shows me everyday.
In ending, take these notes from Jerry Bridges to heart...
"Seek to develop God's own trait of being 'slow to anger' (Ex.34:6)...reflect on the patience of God towards us. God disciplines us out of love, while we turn and discipline out of anger. We are eager to punish the person who provokes us, while God is eager to forgive.
We are eager to exercise our authority, while God is eager to exercise His love. This kind of patience does not ignore the provocations of others; it simply seek to respond to them in a godly manner."
Find great joy in keeping your mouth shut, women all over the world. Imagine a place, where women seeking God's glory and rights over our own. Imagine the looks we would get when we choose to love rather than be right... "the unfading loveliness of a calm and gentle spirit, a thing VERY PRECIOUS IN THE EYES OF GOD." (1 Peter 3:3-4)
